9/30/2017 0 Comments Wondering about Wonder WomanWarning: Wonder Woman Spoilers!!
I finally saw Wonder Woman this past week. (Yes, yes, it is sad that I wasn’t able to see it till now.) I thought it was “wonder”ful! I was totally impressed by the intention and thoughtfulness of the directing. Gal blew me away. I thought she was perfect as Wonder Woman and her acting was so spot on and solid. The trailers had been so serious and intense, that I was a little put off by how many “jokey” moments there were, but then I remembered that this IS a DC/Superhero movie AND this is a parable. All films are representational of life and thought, and especially this one. I realized after watching, that I had attached myself/womankind to Wonder Woman and as I watched her learn and fight and love, my/our learning and fighting and loving was represented. I can imagine that a lot of women did this same exercise. I realized this because after the film, I was very emotionally defensive. I felt strong and fierce. But I also felt tense and not open to connection. My husband and I were cuddled on the couch and he was trying to snuggle me and I just couldn’t join in. As I was trying to practice some non-judgemental observing, I wondered if it was because I had just sat for 3 hours having to fight her/my/our way to follow her/my/our heart and do what she/I/we wanted. And I was still in that “space.” Of course, this is part of our story as humans, and sometimes especially as women, so I think it needs to be represented. But for me, it is an incomplete story. I think it is totally legit that WW doesn’t trust Steve as he’s asking for her help near the end. Even as her pal/lover, he is constantly holding her back and never asks: “What do YOU want to do? How can I support you and your ideas? (Because I can tell you have got some skills… and everything I think is impossible, is possible when you do it...)” WW ends up alone and sad, continuing to fight on her own to save mankind. Again, speaking to the parable, this is often a part of “our” human story--feeling alone and independent and (sometimes) Bad-A. But if I was going to re-show this to myself and show this to my children (my daughters AND sons), I would want the rest of the story of the truth about the potential of human existence and connection to be told. I would (humbly) add scenes looking something like this:
But THE POINT IS: Interdependence. Connection. Support. Vulnerability. Can we ever reach THAT place in parables/discussion about equality? Especially the narrative about women and men? I feel like I hear race discussions/parables reach that place more often, but not the ones about men and women. (And maybe that’s just my context.) Anyway, I just feel the lack of that. The truth that we need each other in healthy ways--and HOW TO need each other in HEALTHY ways--seems to me to be missing from many conversations. Regardless of what the relationship is, this is a truth that when missing, deprives us of experiencing a much fuller, more meaningful, and more empowering life. If we’re going to tell the story, can we tell that part of the story too?
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9/1/2017 4 Comments Reclaiming our BirthOur twin babes (the "Rainbow Babies") were born at 29 weeks, 4 days gestation. This is quite early.
Nutshell of the pregnancy: Move to south Georgia when 12 weeks pregnant. Find out that the medical system here is a bit behind the times and might be difficult to deal with. Finally find an OBGYN who will take me and get me in to see the specialist ASAP. We determine that I do have a weak cervix and putting a cerclage in is worth the risk. After the surgery, I'm on mostly-bedrest. I start to have contractions that are too intense too early. Strict bedrest. I spend the night in the hospital a few times, where I am put on magnesium (really hard) and given a medication to take at home that is supposed to help calm my uterus down. Grateful to have something to try, but rough because the medication has a depressing effect on me. Nutshell of the birth: The calming down doesn't really happen. I go into the hospital again one evening because I'm pretty sure my water has been leaking all day. Loooonnng story short, the doctor doesn't think it's the real deal and doesn't come in to check me till the next morning. We have to do an emergency c-section. Exerting the only control I could, I asked/demanded that I say a prayer before they begin. They prayed with me, Hallelujah! As they start the incision, I feel it, and we realize the spinal isn't working. In what seems like a blink, they put me all the way under and force Paul out into the hallway. Neither of us are there to witness and welcome our sweet babies into the world. The babies are taken to the (very) limited NICU in the hospital, and Paul can get glimpses of them. I see them for the first time 7 hours later as they wheel them past my bed on the way to the transport trucks to be taken to a better NICU. One of the nurses "broke the rules" and let me hold our baby boy for a moment. Blessedly, we are able to follow the babies the next afternoon and stay in the Ronald McDonald House for a couple months, visiting our brave little miracles as the Tallahassee NICU takes amazing care of them. Needless to say, it was traumatic. Gratefully, both babies eventually made it home and we started stumbling through full-time parenthood. Post-partum depression had already made it's appearance in my life when we were at the RMH and only our baby boy was out of the NICU. I could feel myself slipping into darkness and realized we needed to go home. I couldn't take care of myself in the way that I needed to at RMH, so that I could be a good momma for baby boy. I cried leaving our baby girl, but undeniably felt my angels with her, promising to take care of her. At home I was able to walk around topless, eat in my bedroom, pump wherever I wanted, and be in my own sacred space. This, along with walks outside, kept me above the darkness. Paul took such good care of us all, and we felt so grateful that we were all together. But there was still this deep, deep sadness that I couldn't shake. I knew it had to do with how the birth went down. I had studied and read so much about how wonderful birth could be. I was mourning the loss of what could have been. I also felt like I was just babysitting these really cute babies--I didn't feel like they were mine because I had been "absent" from or had not had most of the experiences that tell your mind/body/spirit that you have had children and that they are yours. I prayed so much to understand what was going on and to accept Christ's atonement to help me figure out what to do. I couldn't change the past. And I couldn't just sweep it under the rug and pretend I was okay. The scripture from Helaman 3:35 had been on a sticky note in our bathroom for a while: Nevertheless they did fast and pray oft, and did wax stronger and stronger in their humility, and firmer and firmer in the faith of Christ, unto the filling their souls with joy and consolation, yea, even to the purifying and the sanctification of their hearts, which sanctification cometh because of their yielding their hearts unto God. What I needed was consolation. I decided we needed to 1) pray really hard, and 2) "re-do" the birth. As I researched online, I found some great resources from other women who had needed to do the same thing. They called these experiences, "Reclaiming Birth Ceremonies". I avoided actually doing it for a while. It seemed a little kooky and I doubted if it would really help. But I'd had enough experiences with healing rituals, that I knew it could only help. Paul and I strengthened our own personal worship--reading the Book of Mormon together daily was the thing that was hard for us that we really worked to change. (Our trick: the person reading got a foot massage and we switched every other night. Worked like a charm.) I prayed hard as I planned our ceremony that God would accept our offering of trying and that He would bless us with miraculous healing. Then one evening, we did it. I set up the space so it felt peaceful and special. We did some things that we had wanted to do during labor--praying together, taking a warm shower, slow dancing, playing our special playlist, etc. We brought the babies in and set them on our laps and we closed our eyes and talked about the birth, talking through how we wished it would have gone. When the moment came for the babes to be born, we opened our eyes as we pulled them in front of us, as if seeing them for the first time, and welcomed them into the world. It was amazing how good and real that felt. The last part of the ceremony was Paul giving me a blessing, which I believe "seals" any healing. Then we played with the babies and took pictures. And I could feel it. The deep, deep sadness was gone. I felt that consolation, which made room for more joy. When I think back on the experience I still feel some emotions of sadness and a little anger. But I mostly feel gratitude, which was really hard for me to feel for a while, because the sadness took up so much room. So I stand as a witness. I witness that our Heavenly Parents love us and that Christ's healing and consoling power is real and available. Sometimes the Spirit may have us do things that aren't exactly comfortable to us so that we may receive that power, but if what you seek is joy and consolation, I promise that it is worth it. 8/19/2016 0 Comments A Recent Life Hack1. A key to LETTING GO, is EXPRESSION.
The phrase "Letting Go" has swirled around my life for a long time. It's in my religious, creative, and self-helpy cultural languages quite often. I've always been drawn to it, but also at odds with it. It seems to be this thing that is important to do, but almost impossible to achieve. Or you think about doing it, and think, and think, and then maybe, one day, it happens. It's been hard for me to understand HOW you let something go. The other day, I was trying to have some kind of intentional start to my day and was journaling in my "Sacred Pregnancy" book. This book offers great ideas and questions for reflection, and as I was writing and thinking, I finally started voicing in my head/praying to the Divine about how scared I was that what happened with Sequoia was going to happen again with the Rainbow Babies. And I just said it over and over and finally started crying. (A good cry has been building in me a looooooonnnngggg time.) For a while now, I've been wondering and praying and writing about how to "Let Go" of this fear... knowing that it is healthiest (for ALL involved) for me to "Let Go" of this deeply rooted trauma-based expectation and be "Present with Joy." That last phrase just seemed to haunt me, snickering. So very meanly elusive. As I started finally just letting myself EXPRESS that I was feeling that way, and let it POUR OUT, I felt that trauma-based expectation let go of it's fierce grip on my heart and float away. As I sat there, just feeling the release, I marveled. A) I felt so grateful, and B) I realized that one of my keys to "Letting Go" is to express. Example: Adopting the practice of chanting has been HUGE for me in this way. My 'throat chakra' is a complicated space, and has held/holds a lot of blockage and tension--meaning, I grew up keeping a lot of my emotions/feelings/thoughts inside because I didn't feel free to express them/myself. Learning to experience that freedom has come in large part because of my chanting practice. (My speaking voice has literally dropped to a deeper, more resonant tone.) I have been able, and will hopefully continue, to "Let Go" of many emotional blocks because of this, and it has been the gateway to so much more learning and growth. Before chanting, I used to scream into my pillow or drive to a secluded place and scream in my car. This worked a bit, (and I'm sure I'll still do this once in a while) but I like the chanting better. Plus, it's more preventative. Example: Writing. In "The Artist's Way", the author encourages the reader/creative to free-write daily. I've been consistent at this in a very off-and-on way, and the times that I do it--I call it "Brain Dumping"--so. many. things. "Let Go" . . . It's like through writing it, getting it on the page, I am no longer attached to it. It no longer controls me. I control it. Or rather, I observe it and can choose to let it float away. (Or burn away, whichever one suits the occasion. ) Last example: Communication. I've mostly experienced this at work and in my marriage, but if something is bothering me and I'm having a hard time "Letting it go", when I finally TALK about it (and feel heard) and have a good conversation, it kinda just . . . evaporates. Starting those conversations can be so scary. Being in the middle of those conversations are a little less scary, but still scary. I have to psych myself up like crazy (and brain-dumping helps prepare me), and I've had to learn a lot about how NOT to approach a conversation like that (so many ouchy times!), but the pay-off is so worth it for me. Anyway, if you've lasted this long, I would love to hear how YOU "Let Go". 8/16/2016 0 Comments Georgia: Grad SchoolsTurns out we're pregnant with twins. A double rainbow. Ha. ("Rainbow Babies" are babies born after a miscarriage or stillbirth.)
SO. MANY. FEELINGS!!!! a lot of joy, a lot of fear, coming and going and sometimes coinciding. I've been doing more personal journal writing, but because we've moved and I might as well share, even if it's just my grandma and my children-down-the-road reading, I'm picking up chronicling the journey in the blog-o-sphere. Because of my history and the crazy truth that there are TWO babies in my belly, I have to take it pretty slow. Meaning, while Paul is off learning tons of awesome stuff, I am home, and spending many hours laying down... learning tons of awesome stuff? So I've decided that I am calling it "Motherhood Grad School." I've already taken my pre-reqs, and am maybe through my first semester (aka, Sequoia). I am finishing up my second semester and just about the time Paul hits clinicals--so will I. Honestly, this is an endeavor in helping me not waste time and live more intentionally. (I am really putting my long-past homeschooling self-mastery to the test.) I have lots of things I want to learn and process and create and become! ...And so often I find myself laying on my bed 'cause I'm exhausted from making a salad, and the next thing I know I am lost in the cyber space of FB or Insta and an hour has flown by. Gaaaaa. That is the worst. Here's what I'm dealing with (as far as I'm aware): My body feels like I have a sleeping serum pumping through it constantly. I'm not really supposed to exercise. I'm always hungry/have to eat so I don't get nauseous. And I'm mostly in charge of food as Paul is gone at school/work. (He's the better chef, so...) We found a beautiful old house that is so close to Paul's clinic it's insane... it's also a bit bigger than we expected and quite oldy-smelly. So I'm trying to get that cleaned, and moved into, and less stinky. Paul and I are trying to be intentional about balancing our lives as we hear his program gets quite intense. Church service opportunities will be more visible soon, we want to make friends and serve in our community, and keep up with as many people as possible (which we both aren't very good at). On my "Motherhood Grad School" learning list: *Spirit: meditation, journaling, art, music, pregnancy affirmations, hypnosis birth prep *Mind: studying gospel of Christ, studying other things (yoga, autism/theatre, politics, babies, etc.), reading-for-fun *Body: napping, healthy cooking/eating, yoga *Stewardships: keeping a happy/clean/beautiful home, gardening, finances, service, artistic projects (Splitting the Sky) As always, I'm probably eyeing a bigger "plate" than my stomach can handle. Here we go. 8/16/2016 0 Comments a transitionSo, we were grieving for a while. And still are in some ways. Eventually the excruciatingly present pain eased and, as just happens, we moved on with life. We were closer, deeper, more heart-broken, and incredibly overwhelmed by all of the service constantly given us. Eventually big bright things started to happen--Paul was accepted to Grad School, the Shakespeare Musical I was directing at ScenicView Academy was a tremendous success, and ... we, very unexpectedly, got pregnant again.
3/12/2016 0 Comments Our little Sequoia RainEmail I sent to my family soon after Sequoia's birth: Dear family, I hope you've heard by now our sad news. I went into the ER Saturday night because of some strange things happening down under, and we just left the hospital this afternoon, having given birth to and losing our little girl. After the initial visit to the ER, they knew it was something they didn't know how to handle, so they sent me up to Labor and Delivery. At this point, I was still thinking it was something manageable. Kate and her friend were with me, as Paul was gone to Arkansas to visit family and go to a training (and was also really sick with a sinus infection). After a number of hours and doctors, it was clarified that I had a incompetent cervix--meaning that the opening to my uterus wasn't holding closed, and the gestational sac was slipping out. This obviously had a lot of potential dangers. There was an option to do a procedure that sewed my cervix together, but I would have to wait to see if I wasn't leaking, and if there wasn't an infection and if I wasn't contracting. If I had an infection, that would be dangerous for me and the baby. If I was contracting, it could tear my cervix and/or uterus, which would be really painful in the moment and not be good if I wanted to get pregnant in the future. If I was leaking--well, there isn't really any way to repair that and I would slowly keep loosing fluid. At 18 weeks, the baby wasn't old enough to save if she was born. That night, Kate, her friend, and Paul's brother-in-law stayed the night with me in the hospital. We were in a beautiful, quiet, corner room on the top floor with lots of windows and peace. A specialist came early the next morning and did a full-scale ultra sound. Paul was face-timing so he could be in the loop. In the ultra sound we saw that my cervix was 3-4 cm open, the baby's legs were in my vagina, and we found out that she was a girl. As life often confirms--there is opposition in all things. When I saw the image of her legs, I knew things were not going to go well. When we found she was a girl, as I had intuited all along, it was a special confirmation. The specialist was really kind and capable. He reminded us that it was nothing we had done. There is no way to find out you have a weak cervix until it is put to the test. He confirmed that I was leaking after taking a sample of the fluid, and let us know that I wasn't a candidate for the procedure and it was only a matter of time. If I developed an infection, they would speed up the delivery process for my safety. Paul decided to fly back and my mom was on her way. Ricky had given me a blessing of peace the night before and he gave me another one that morning. As we talked and cried and laughed and slept and rested during that day, I had the tender mercy of Time. I was able to ponder and process and eventually come to peace. Paul and I weren't sure what miracle we should pray for--should we just pray for the miracle of peace? Or that somehow she and the sac would go back in my cervix, that the leak would heal, and that my cervix would close? Ultimately, we just felt that it was right to let nature take her course. The blessing Ricky gave me that morning said to "seek in the spirit to understand." I received some understanding that part of the reason this was happening, was that she had served her purpose in helping heal and prepare me. This pregnancy has been pretty rough on me emotionally and has brought up some things that have been really helpful to work through. I've experienced a lot of healing and though I wasn't feeling excited or ready when we first got pregnant, I feel that--just this past week actually--I was able to reach a space of excitement and joy, through the grace of God and power of intention. This was hard, but purposeful timing, I feel. It was hard that just as I allowed myself to really open up to joy, the sorrow came tumbling in. Which was exactly what I was afraid of. But I hold on to hope that it is worth it. (See Moses 5:11-12) And little baby girl has been vital in helping me develop the depth of understanding that I need to get to in this area of my faith. Part of me feels selfish in seeing that as my main source of "reasoning" comfort--but that is all my veiled understanding can see for now, and I feel her, and the spirit's, confirmation of that. Mom arrived with Jan and the earth angel vanguard switched up for a little bit. Early in the evening I developed a fever and the doctors were notified. If I didn't go into labor soon, they would help me along. Soon after I went to the bathroom and more of the sac came out. The doctor came after a while and punctured the sac, letting the fluid out. They checked my cervix and it was only about 2cm wide and her legs weren't hanging down. For a few hours, the pain in my pelvic area slowly became more intense. They gave me some medication to help induce contractions. Paul came just as they were getting intense, poor guy--didn't get to warm up to it. I actually didn't expect that I would go into labor. I guess I assumed that my cervix would just keep opening and she would gently slip out. But I definitely went into labor. Throughout the day they had periodically been checking her heartbeat, and she was still alive. I only needed to dilate to about 5cm because she was so small. As the pain became contractions, I rallied the troupes around me (Paul, my mom, Kate, and one of my best friends, Amber) to sing some of my favorite meditation chants to help me work through the pain and, but eventually I needed the pain medication. I wasn't as prepared for birth as I was planning on being. At all. (I was only as far as 2nd trimester in my literature!) I ultimately requested an epidural, which didn't really work because, as we found out soon, I was so close to giving birth. She slipped out head first, stillborn. Tiny little thing, perfectly healthy and normal, with beautiful hands and feet and legs and arms and face, and a bit of a bruised head from the contractions. Paul and I held her and loved her and cried with those that surrounded us. David and Alicia joined us. We cleaned up and a dear woman, a bereavement specialist, came in and took pictures, made little casts of her feet and hands, and talked empathetically with us. We finally slept, after hours of not sleeping, little Sequoia in a basinet beside us. Although we had the underlying peace that God was with us, angels surrounded us, and this was just as it was meant to be, it still was painfully sad. And still is. As I see her little box in the fridge that we'll keep until we bury her, or I walk in my house that I left having no idea what was ahead, or I meet someone's eye that knows, or I see a picture, or I wrap my chest and drink tea to prevent lactation though my body longs to hold a baby, or a hundred other things, it brings some pain and tears. I don't know how we humans can produce so many tears. I thought I was all out yesterday afternoon, but have proven myself wrong over and over. Simultaneously, I feel a depth of gratitude that also brings tears, along with smiles. For the incredible support from the precious humans that surrounded me--holding my hand, massaging my feet, saying the right thing or not saying anything, allowing for moments of laughter and moments of sorrow, reading scriptures with me, crying with me, praying with me (and for me), chanting with me, sleeping by me, cleaning me up, encouraging me on. For the gift of Sequoia and all she has taught us. For the blessings of modern medicinal advancements that will allow me to have children in the future. For our peaceful room and the gift of processing time. For the wonderful staff at the hospital and having the perfect nurses and doctors for the exact right moments. And, of course, the peace and love of God, which all of this was nested in. Sequoia was already a favorite name of ours because of our connection to Redwood trees, and then just a few days ago I was studying Lehi's dream (in the Book of Mormon) and was struck my what the angel tells Nephi: that the Tree represents the Love of God. At the time I thought "Ha! This is why I love to hug trees--it's maybe an echo of what it feels like to hug God." Sunday afternoon, as I thought about our little girl and her name and the situation, it seemed perfectly appropriate to name her Sequoia, as even God is allowing/putting us through this hard and sad situation, it is--somehow--evidence of His Love. I knew, early on in the process, as I learned the direness of the situation, that I could not allow this to harden my heart and make me angry at God. I've allowed that to happen before and wondered if those situations were possibly preparing me to see the eternal plan and purpose of this situation, instead of being blinded by bitterness. As a sweet confirmation, Paul had felt that she was Sequoia during his plane ride back. When the nurses set her on my chest and asked what her name was, we looked at each other and I offered up "Sequoia?" He breathed and smiled in relief that I felt the same. We are resting this week, not going into work, and just processing. I'm so grateful for all of the prayers and love being sent from afar. We can feel them. So grateful you are family. And that family is forever. Isn't that amazing? How blessed we are to know that. Love, anna and paul As part of my certification to become an official yoga teacher, I get to teach practice classes. At the Bodhi studio! Which is wonderful. It is such a special space.
I’m doing a series on exploring yoga through a Christ-centered lens. This post is a reference for those who were in class, who are interested from afar, and those joining later. The focus of the class was on an introduction to a piece of my journey and why I’m teaching the class, and what yoga, chanting, and breathing are all about and exploring them a bit. BUSINESS Bodhi Yoga was the first yoga studio in Utah Valley, started by Syl Carson. Her approach is teaching and training on mind, body, spirit yoga. Yoga Ettiquette: come with phones silenced/off, clean body and feet, and sign the waiver if you haven’t already. Try to be on time and stay the entire time.As an FYI, the perspectives that I take come from my training at Bodhi Yoga, my studies of Kundalini Yoga mainly through “Awake as in Ancient Days: The Christ-Centered Kundalini Yoga Experience” by Felice Austin, LDS literature, and my own personal practice. YOGA Definition: “To Yoke” your mind, body, and spirit to work in the best way. One of my intentions is to create a space where you can focus on YOUR practice. This is about you getting in touch with yourself. You can follow along with me, and/or do your own thing when you need to. This is not a competitive sport by any means. Another intention is to provide a space to help increase awareness and awakening. This is about your journey! And maybe some things you learn or experience in the class will help inform your daily practice. I hope so. MY STORY After a period of some kinda tough experiences and soul searching, I came back to Provo in January of 2015 to work, a little lost as to my purpose. This thought kept coming to me that I wanted to “help people be more filled with light.” I didn’t know if that meant go on a mission, become a nutritionist, etc. I had started doing more yoga and decided to take a leap and do the training at Bodhi. I also certified as a Guided Imagery Facilitator. As I focused on the previously mentioned desire, I realized I would probably have to really start diving into my own process of being filled with light. And I did. That Harry Potter quote is real, “Only when we’re brave enough to explore the darkness will we discover the infinite power of our light.” Darkness comes up from the depths so it can be recycled into light. Decided to finally teach a class series and as I was studying I bumped into this scripture: And if your eye be single to my glory, your whole bodies shall be filled with light, and there shall be no darkness in you; and that body which is filled with light comprehendeth all things. Therefore, sanctify yourselves that your minds become single to God, and the days will come that you shall see him; for he will unveil his face unto you, and it shall be in his own time, and in his own way, and according to his own will. [D&C 88:67-68] As I read it, I felt strongly that this needed to be the focus scripture of this class series. After a moment, memories flooded back of that desire I had felt in January. It seems that this is part of the fulfillment of that. :) Disclaimer: I’m not a perfect yogi. I don’t know all the moves and I’m definitely not good at many of them. But I have a desire to explore, grow, learn, and share. THE PRACTICE
Thanks and love. Namaste. Sat Nam. See you all next week. We’re supposed to blog about the Gunas. Here it goes:
There are three “Gunas” in yoga--considered the three energies that govern anything happening in the physical plane. “Rajas” is forward-backward, dynamic, insistent movement. “Tamas” is upward-downward, heavy, low-vitality movement. “Sattva” is the balanced, light, graceful, stillness movement. Extremes and then the middle. It seems that that is constantly the battle I am in. Trying to find the Sattva as I fall into Rajas or Tamas. And that is what yoga is about. Playing with and exploring all the energies and finding them all in their time. So I wonder if I’m putting too much pressure on myself in trying to find the Sattva when I can just trust exploring the other energies and know that they will lead me to Sattva when it is the right time. Hm. www.gobodhiyoga.com 2/26/2015 0 Comments Yoga Post #3: Yoking and Breath In our first weekend training, we talked a lot about what yoga is and how it came to be. Yoga means to yoke. To connect the body mind and spirit. I'm sure this means something different for everyone, but this is what it means to me. My body is important. One of the main purposes of coming to earth is to experience a body. It's not something to deal with, or put up with-- it's something to yoke. It’s something to integrate with my spirit so that I am a more powerful Divine Being. I've been studying this for years, importance of understanding and being in tune with my body so that I am more in tune with my spirit, and it's interesting to hear the yogi perspective. From what I understand breath is what helps it connect. Breath is the tool through which the yoking occurs. We can live for weeks without food or water, but we can't live for more than a few minutes without air and breath.
This blows my mind. How much do I not understand the power of my breath and how I can use it to connect, integrate, and heal. I started the yoga training at the end january, focusing on the throat chakra started in February, and I know that breath has a lot to do with me being grounded and speaking my truth. It all seems to be coming together. At the end of January, I knew that my focus for February needed to be breathing. Just being and breathing and understanding how my breath connects to my body and my spirit and it integrates the two. I learned during that first weekend that I really needed to understand what my own personal yoga practice looks like. Whether or not I ended up teaching, seemed very much secondary to the importance of what I was being taught about developing my own personal practice. AndI knew that this month my personal practice would be a lot of breath work. And as I’ve explored that this past month I can't really describe what I've learned very well. I've learned how to open my body and allow for breath. That you allow it to go places in your body that I didn't realise breath could even go. I explored and experimented with different poses, and how they affected my breath naturally going into different places in my body. I would want to stay there and just breath for hours. And allowing myself to do that allowed me to be more truthful with me and how I represented myself to other people. Maybe coming to know my own breath allows me to come to know myself. At the very beginning of January I went to a Kundalini yoga and meditation retreat. My friend Amber and I went to see what it was all about and understand it more. (And basically to check out the vibes, to see if it was a good Christ-centered thing.) It was, and that kept us going on this hippie meditation yoga track. We laugh about it to ourselves and with other people, but it feels right, so what can we do? For the last couple of years I've realized that my throat is an emotional holding place. I've stifled a lot of my emotions for a lot of my life and as I finally started to become in touch with them they would get stuck in my throat because I didn't know how to communicate them. I would often get aching in my throat and I know that it had an emotional base. Kundalini meditation consists of chanting out loud, and I really connected with that. I've been drawn to Buddhism for that very reason and so it was a nice tool to add to my spirituality toolbox. BodhiYoga has been going through the chakras. Every month is focused on a new chakra starting from the root up to the crown and February was going to be the throat chakra. I was pretty excited for that. Every month, as I've been participating with the other chakras, breakthroughs have happened in those areas, and I knew this throat chakra was a big one for me. As I started to study through this yoga teacher training, & I worked on the meditation mantras, & I learned about speaking and rejoicing in truth (oh the synchronicity in my life) the tension started to go away in my throat. I started to be more honest and truthful and when I felt emotions I would allow them to be, instead of trying to hold them back, even if I didn't know the purpose for expressing them. Often this would result in pretty vulnerable experiences, but I would leave those experiences feeling so whole and right and cleared.
I'm grateful for the gift of my body and that it communicates with me about my emotional needs. What a wonder! Now I know and have practiced the power of recognizing when I'm holding something back and the importance of expressing it, as well as the power behind the ancient tradition of chanting. The crazy thing is my voice’s resonance has naturally become a tad deeper and I notice that when I'm grounded and and breathing and speaking truth better, it stays in that place. |
anna
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