2/26/2015 0 Comments Yoga Post #1: Me and YogaLast year at Christmas time I had a pretty distinct impression that I was supposed to do yoga a lot more. I kind of got into it after Christmas break but didn't really allow myself the time. 6 months later I get in a pretty bad car wreck. Before the wreck I've been trying to slow down but it hadn’t been going very well. I pretty much had a “CrossFit life.” I've learned that for right now at least, God wants me to have a “Yoga life.” The car wreck slowed me down a lot and I started to go to yoga more, in hopes that it would help my back heal. It did help me feel a lot better and I started to become more and touch with my body. It's always been on my bucket list to become a yoga instructor, but it’d been pushed low on my priority list. The studio I felt really drawn to in Provo was BodhiYoga. I heard that they're having another yoga teacher training at there, and the thought had come to me to do it, but I didn’t have the money and didn't know if that would be the right thing for my time. Months passed and it kept coming up in my mind every once in a while. Finally I thought “If there is one spot left, I'll do it. I'll find the money and I'll do it.” After class that day, I talked to Syl (the owner) and found out that there was one spot still left. So I really started to work to find the money. I prayed hard and told God that if this is how he wants me to spend his money, I'll do it. The money came and I signed up. Little did I realize how transformational this process would begin to be for me.
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Inspired by Emma Lou Thaynes "The Place of Knowing", Thorton Wilder's "Our Town", and the last 5 months.
8/29/2014 1 Comment What happened to Summer: Mind Vomit about my Heart (Is that title too obscene for a blog post? Oh well.)And so it begins. The week before I "officially" start my adventuring and sharing that adventuring with the world, I almost die.
My heart doesn’t even feel ready to write this yet. For moments I get inspired to, and then as I sit down to write, my heart feels that it isn’t quite ready. But will it ever be? Before the almost-death, I had already decided what the title of this new blog was going to be as it documented my adventures, and I had pretty much decided what those adventures were going to be. Adventures sometimes take on minds of their own, regardless of the plans of their planners. A little more than a month ago, I announced on social media that I had a standby flights pass for the rest of the year and I wanted to know people’s suggestions on where to go and what to do. I received a delicious amount of ideas and connections. I had quit my job, had a little saved in the bank, left my housing contract, and was ready to take off and get out of Utah. A few days after I posted that question and received all of those tantalizing ideas, I was in a pretty bad car accident. Driving back from a few glorious days at Quickwater Ranch (a place where dreams come true and hearts are healed), I drove off the road in the middle of nowhere on the border of Idaho and Wyoming. One of the first thoughts in my head as I was finally stopped by a bank of a river I had just driven through after mad off-roading down a 40 ft., incredibly steep ravine, was “THIS ISN’T THE PLAN!!!!” All my eggs had been in one basket and I felt like that basket had just been thrown out the window and all the eggs had been smashed as I had careened down the side of that mountain. Super dramatic, but I gotta be real--that’s how I felt. And that’s how I felt for two weeks (okay, three) after the accident. Angry, confused, frustrated, hard-hearted. Even though I’d survived an “un-survivable crash” (tow-truck man), even though I “definitely had somebody lookin’ out for” me (kind family who helped me back to town), even though I “really should have died” (highway patrolman), my heart was refusing to be grateful. And that also frustrated me. Nigerian girls are kidnapped, dear friends have cancer, children are dying in Gaza, and I’m all bent out of shape because I miraculously walked away from a totaled car and am experiencing a little back pain and some minor PTSD. So much for adventuring with a grateful heart. I was sucking at that. As the time went on, my back sort of got worse (and don’t worry, ultimately it slowly started getting better). Right after the accident I kept on living like nothing had happened (planned to meet up with friends in Geneva and London) but a few days before I was hoping to go, I realized I was not up to it emotionally or physically. Then things just stopped. I couldn’t handle doing anything. Mom says I spiraled. Down. I lay in a hammock in Midway, Utah, pretty much pouting and hiding/healing/hermitizing. I didn’t even want to read, or talk, or listen to music--well, no, to be honest, all I wanted to listen to was gospel folk/pop and LDS General Conference talks. (My jams were “Tis so Sweet” by Chelsea Moon and Uncle Daddy, “Closer to You” by Calee Reed, and “Grateful in Any Circumstances” by Pres. Uchtdor.) Kinda strange. But I think the accident had revealed this black and white hard/buried/stubborn/hurt-heartedness in me (that had been building for years) and my soul craved the closeness to God that was missing and seemed impossible to find. Then a few things happened: 1) Nephi. 2) Family History. 3) Neal Hooper’s question. 4) Stillness/Nature/Being Present. 5) Stuck in a Paradox: Being an agent who acts, yet discerning and doing the will of the Lord. (Oh, and my chiropractor’s been a huge help along the way.) 1) Nephi I had just started re-reading the Book of Mormon, and was on Nephi’s journey with him when this all went down. His story blows my mind, but it really hit me when God asks Him to build a boat (after wandering/hard-shipping in the wilderness for 8 flippin’ years!) and Nephi’s first response is: Where do I find the ore? (to build the tools, to build the pieces, to build the boat) Part of the issue with these traveling eggs that were in this basket and were smashed when they flew out the window during the accident, was that I had felt pretty guided in what I was going to do as I traveled (work on a project for my production company). I felt like I saw the vision for the project pretty clearly and was stoked to get working on it--right away, of course. God gave me a sweet idea and so that means it needs to happen right away!. !!!!!!. I usually never ask “where to go to find the ore” in these situations. I want to just slap a canoe together and get it on the water. Line upon freaking Line. Patience. Slowing down. Breathing. Listening. Timing. Trust. TRUST. TRUST. … FINE! (As I was begrudgingly “forced” to slow down and face my issues, the thick wall I realized was surrounding my heart started to crack a wee bit.) 2) Family History Tender mercy showed up in the angel human forms of my great-aunts Mary Lou and Laura Lee. Both women of incredible faith who have done great eternal work in gathering family history stories and pictures that I had never taken the time to explore/hadn’t really known it existed. I decided to try and fill my “invalid time” by practicing my cinematography and editing skills and try to put together little videos about my family history from them and their resources. This has turned out to be incredibly healing for me. Learning about these women and men who are such a part of me has a) shown me where parts of me come from, b) connected me more fully to my personal angels, and c) there is seriously some kind of indescribable magic healing power from working on your family history and learning their stories. There just is. But don’t take my word for it. Try it. 3) Neal Hooper’s question A dear friend of mine gave a devotional at the LDSBC that I was able to go and listen to during invalid time. His topic was loving courageously, and he posed a question during that talk that struck me deeply. “What are you doing to maintain your heart?” In asking myself that question, I was able to get more in touch with how buried and bruised my heart was, maybe what had caused some of that, and I started to try and explore what I could do to be better at maintaining my heart. (It is currently still being exhumed, but there’s progress at least.) 4) Stillness/Nature/Being Present As aforementioned, a lot of stillness has been happening during the 4+ weeks since the accident. I sometimes wonder if God wanted to teach me some things and the only way I would listen was if He forced me to slow down. I’ve had a lot of barefooted me and nature (mountains of Midway) and God time. There are indescribable magic healing powers from that as well. ALSO a place for i.m.h.p.’s (the ultimate place for those, actually): the temple. I was able to go a few times and during the latest trip was reminded about the power and importance of being joyfully alive in the present moment. The answer to my questions in the temple that day was “Patience” (gah!--of course), and on the way out I stopped at one of my favorite spots--this hallway with a painting of Christ and Mary at His empty tomb--and remembered. It took her so long to SEE the miracle that was right in front of her--the resurrection of her Lord. It was the same for most of the disciples (except John, who “saw and believed”). I remembered that I want to be alive in the present so I can truly see the miracles right before me. I felt a sense of liberation that day as I left the temple. If God is telling me to be patient, then He has a plan that is in the works. My job is to be present enough to see it. And I was actually really stoked to do that. It takes conscious effort, but it is a euphoric experience to fully engage in. 5) Stuck in a Paradox: Being an agent who acts, yet discerning and doing the will of the Lord This post is already way too long. If you ever feel like this is a paradox for you, let’s talk. Needless to say, I’m trying to consecrate my life more fully, move forward boldly, and listen carefully. I’m definitely still healing. I’ve been in Asheville, NC, with my parents and sis for a week, and it’s been a struggle to … just do stuff. And it’s still tempting to get caught up in asking the “why” questions, but ultimately I’m continually re-realizing that sometimes that doesn’t matter as much as the “what now” questions. Maybe I won’t find out why it happened till I’m hanging out with my Heavenly Parents having our post-earthlife PPI, and maybe They’ll just say: “You were a bit of a clumsy driver, but it wasn’t time for you to die yet, so it just happened.” Or maybe they’ll give a powerpoint on all the things that I needed to learn and why and how. Regardless… I have a new appreciation for what it can really mean to be a disciple of Christ. No matter what happens, you still fight the good fight. You become like those tropical trees that are blown about by the tempests and thus create cellular bonds that make them strong and flexible. (What a wonderfully paradoxical combination of words!) I know this is not new news and that I will keep re-learning these things the rest of my life, but it’s sunk into my heart in a different way. My exhuming heart finally feels a tinge of gratitude--just for everything! The fact that I have the opportunity to be on this earth--no matter how long that time may be--and to Connect, and Become. To experience love and heart-ache. Joy and pain. Hope and hopelessness. Sometimes our personal pits are dark, deep, and overwhelming. That’s real. Sometimes I feel like my heart will never be fully exhumed, but I want to have faith in renascence (the revival of something that has been dormant) and I hope that someday it will be full/open/clear/pure/alive. (There are moments when it is, and I bask in gratitude and joy when those moments happen.) I hope that I can show up at my post-earth PPI and look my Heavenly Parents in their eyes full of knowing gratitude. That I will See and Know my Brother as He Is. That I will embrace all the people that I hurt or hurt me and that I loved or loved me, and all will be well. To wrap up, the current update on my life is that I am back and forth between Utah and other places, and life will just unfold for the next few months. I’m still planning on traveling and exploring, but I’m sure it will keep turning out in different ways than I expect. Which is awesome. (Sometimes I can genuinely say that, and sometimes I have to keep convincing myself.) Anyway, Thanks, God. It will hurt sometimes and be disappointing, I’m sure, but when I am really still and let myself feel, my heart is overwhelmingly grateful--especially for my angels (earthly and beyond the veil) and God's tender mercies. So, let the adventures continue. |
anna
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